During a recent trip on BC Ferries I had the pleasure of receiving tutelage from Coastal Naturalist Stefan. He was presenting on the topic of “sharks” and asked what words come to mind. I suggested “godless killing machines”. He agreed so much he brought it up again later. He also tried to convince people that some sharks are not godless killing machines.

To that I say “irrelevant”.

My case in point: THE GOBLIN SHARK.

The goblin shark is pretty much the scariest ever. It has a spring loaded rapid extendo jaw that is used annihilate stuff constantly. My secretary found this telling video.

I think it is trying to eat Megatron.

My first reaction was one of abject fear. The stats on these bad boys suggest this is indeed the best reaction. Only about 50 times since the1890’s have sightings of this thing resulted in survivors. The largest recorded was over 6 m long. The extendo mouth has 30 – 60 rows of teeth on each of the top and bottom. There is no data on their lifespan or breeding habits – only that they have been around for over 100 million years. It used to eat dinosaurs. Now those are extinct so it eats whatever the hell it wants.

Wikipedia says goblin sharks have anal fins. I don’t know what those are but I am pretty sure it means these duders are literally bad ass. It lives everywhere it wants to and teeth from it have been found in communications cables on the ocean floor over a kilometre down. Sometimes it comes into shallow water because it feels like it.

Its long snout is used as an antenna. It picks up the electromagnetic fields that emanate from bioelectrical synapses in living creatures. Then it eats them.

It has been around so long it is obviously immune to climate change.

I bet it would eat chuck norris and then not even burp.